Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR61-70/hum061

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 98KB

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Date:         Tue, 8 Mar 1994 06:31:09 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00061"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 16:29:10 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.J     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 24 Oct 88

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division.

Blore's Razor:
        Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

Bore, n.:
        A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
        Ranger have handled this?"

BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
                -- Jay Ward

Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture

Bureaucrat, n.:
        A person who cuts red tape sideways.
                -- J. McCabe

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
                -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post

Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
                -- Kelvin Throop III

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Chicago, n.:
        Where the dead still vote ... early and often!

Conservative, n.:
        One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
                -- Leo C. Rosten

Corrupt, adj.:
        In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think
even if you don't think.

Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
                -- Jawaharlal Nehru

Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
                -- Dave Storer

Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older,
it starts avoiding you.
                -- The Old Farmer's Almanac

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Do the things which you will be proud to remember when you are old.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 17:42:32 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      EXTREMELY Offensive Nun Joke (Sexist, etc)

A nun is walking back to the convent late one night when a man jumps out of the
bushes and rapes her.  When he's done he snears, "So, what are you going to tell
your Mother Superior *now*?"  She replies, "I'll tell her I was walking home
late, a man jumped out of the bushes and raped me twice.....unless you're tired."


sorry...........
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 21:26:28 EST
Reply-To:     dspotopr <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Pacifici <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Woman visits Ob/Gyn for exam

An attractive, though somewhat middle aged woman went to visit her doctor.
She advised her doctor that she would soon be married, and of course the
doctor gave her a thorough exam.  Thankfully, there were no problems, and the
doctor gave her a clean bill of health.

In fact, the doctor, who had been caring for this woman for some time, was
quite puzzled.  He said to her, "I'm really happy for you, and hope that your
marriage will be successful.  But you know, you've been married twice before,
and I couldn't help but notice that you are still a virgin!

The woman grinned  ;-) and replied, "Its not really such a mystery doctor.
The truth is that my first husband, he was a gynecologist, and all he wanted
to do was to look at it.  My second husband was a psychologist, and all he
wanted to do was talk about it."  At this, the woman sighed, and then
brightened as she said, "But my new husband is a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm
gonna get fucked!"

>;->
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 21:35:51 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Close the door <computer joke for everyone>

Written by Michael A. Kline

A person was trying to install a package and reported that no matter
what they did, the install would not go claiming it couldn't read the
disk. Well, they were new diskettes, a brand new package, so Laurel
went down to see what was going on.

She got to the person's office and said, "Okay, show me what's happening."

The user said, "Right here. I can't get past this point. 'Enter A:setup,
put diskette in drive, close door, and press enter.'"

Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it."

The user looked the diskette over for defects, showed it to Laurel. It
looked fine, so Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it again."

The user entered "A:setup", put the diskette into the drive, got up,
went to her office door, closed it, came back to the PC, pressed enter,
and sure enough, the PC reported "Unable to read drive A:"

Laurel said it was all she could do to not fall off the chair laughing.
The user was so sincere, and just couldn't figure out what was wrong.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 22:22:00 E
Reply-To:     Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Photographic Memory <G>

My son informed me tonight that he had a photographic memory. But
there was one problem with it.

"Oh" I cautiously replied

"Yep, It is out of film."


take care all
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 00:21:45 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nuns

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: nuns

Jeff Rollosso Halbhuber asked for jokes about "priests, nuns or the
Pope".   Here is a mild contribution, no rude words or such, merely
a mild dig at the nuns, bless their souls.

An oldish nun, in full "penguin" garb was standing next to a VERY busy
wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing much of
a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a continuing stream.
Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather jacketted, chain bedecked
heavily bearded man comes roaring along.   As he passes her he notices the
nun, makes an extremely dangerous turn in the road, roars back, parks his
bike next to the road, jumps off, dashes into the middle of the road,
gesticulates, holds up his hands and manages to stop the traffic.  The
nun walks across to the other side and our bearded hero gets out of the
way letting the traffic resume.

When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she
expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern for
her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the like.
His response, "Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batman's a friend o' mine."

============================================================================

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

n
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:50:17 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish-Italian Joke (clean!!!)

Whats a Polish good for?




.







.






.



Shining da shoes!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 07:58:03 EST
Reply-To:     Chernauskas Brian CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chernauskas Brian CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Humor: Controlling your mail & some engagement

From x63159f2 Wed Feb  9 21:56 EST 1994
>From x63159f2 Wed Feb  9 21:56:39 1994
Return-Path: <x63159f2>
Received:  by usma8 (5.59/25-eef)
     id AA05686; Wed, 9 Feb 94 21:56:39 EST
Message-Id: <9402100256.AA05686@usma8>
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 21:56:38 EST
From: x63159f2 (Naples Gregory CDT)
To: 2, 3f2, 570f2, x62400f2, x62539f2, x62541f2, x62563f2, x62614f2, x62630f2,
        x62691f2, x62775f2
Subject: Free Money

Original-Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 19:55:46 EST
Original-From: x63570f2 (Winer Ian CDT)

Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 23:38:01 EST
Original-From: [e-mail] (Landers Michael CDT)

Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 19:04:58 EST
Original-From: x46722e4@usma16 (Esh Todd CDT)

Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 14:13:28 EST
Original-From: [e-mail] (Williams Theodore CDT)

Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 07:33:54 EST
Original-From: x47347i3@usma14 (Petrucelli Jonath CDT)

                      "WITH LOVE ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"

This paper was sent to you for good luck.  The original is in New England.  It
has been around the world nine times.  The luck has been sent to you.You will
receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided in turn
yoiu send it.  This is no joke.  You will receive good luck in the mail.  Send
no money as faith has no price.  Do not keep this letter.  It must leave your
hands in 96 hours.
     An R.A.F. officer received $470,000.  Joe Elliot received
$40,000,000 and lost it because he broke the chain.  While in the Phillipines,
George Welch lost his wife 31 days after receiving the letter.  He failed to
circulate the letter.  However, before her death he received $7,775,000.
     Please send 20 copies and see what happens in 4 days.  The chain comes
from Vwnwzuela and was written by Saul Anthonyde Grou, a missionary from S.
America.  Since the copy must tour the world, you must take 20 copies and give
them to friends and associates.  After a few days you will get a surprise, even
if you are not superstitious.  Do note the following-- Constantine Diaz
received the chain in 1958.  He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and
send them.  A few days later he won the lottery of two million dollars.  Carlo
Daddit, an office employee, received the letter, and forgot it had to leave his
hands within 96 hours.  He lost his job.  Later after finding the letter again,
he mailed twenty copies.  A few days laterhe found a better job.  David
Fairchild received the letter and not believing threw the letter away.  Nine
days latter he died.  In 1987 the letter was received by a woman in California.
It was faded and barely readable.  She promised herself she would retype the
letter and send it on, but she put it aside to send later.  She was plagued by
various problems, including expensive car repairs.  The letter did not leave
her hands in 96 hours.  She finally typed the letters as promised and got a new
car.  Remember, send no money.  Do not ignore this.  It works.

St. Jude


Sorry guys.  I had to send this on.  GOOD LUCK.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 00:20:41 +0100
Reply-To:     MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to lawyer
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

> I recently joyned your list and I am surprise nobody makes lawyer jokes. Maybe
> is because everybody knows them all! Anyway here are some...
>
As the son of a Lawyer and having done 2 years of an LL.B, I don't think
anything can offend a lawyer.
        The best source of Humor about Lawyers comes from the lawyers
themselves.Just ask any for a story.A Chief Justice in my home State was
nick-named "Groper" Green, because he had his mouth open for another drink
at parties  all the time.His tenure produced some good material.
        A Magistrate on circuit court duty attended a Rocky Horror party
before the next assizes,this magistrate was quite queer in a state that
technically can sentence gays for up to 21 years, but does not in practice
because most of the judiciary,if caught, would go up river.Anyway, the
magistrate had glitter through his hair, and could not remove the stuff by
the next sitting, and so he showered pixie dust every turn of the head.
        There are heaps of funnier stories that most lawyers know.But
cases really can't be beat.Back in my home State in the 1930's, a guy
blasted  a cat next door right into oblivion.The idiotic point of law was
that the case was a trespass case, and the decision(ratio decidendi)
concerned the bullet going over the neighbours property.But seeing is
sometimes unbelievable: in a closed court session, a witness, upon being
presented with some incriminating evidence, looked suprised, glanced left
then right,grabbed the documented evidence and started to eat it.Two
Police moved in prised open the womans jaw and removed the by now
fragmented evidence; the Police spent about 15-20 minutes piecing together
the chomped evidence.

CAMPBELL
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 08:39:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: tonya harding

bruce evans writes:

>Although I've heard enough Tonya humor, I heard a new one the other day.
>
>Q:  What is Tonya Harding's favorite drink?
>
>A:  Canadian Club...on ice

well, as to its being new, this is only about the third time i've seen it on
this list, but have you heard about the *new* drink called the tonyalorena?

club soda with a slice

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:18:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Brucker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya...

    What will Tonya Harding be taking to the Olympics?


    A 'Lillie' Hammer...   ;-)

          later...
                  pb
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:05:27 -0500
Reply-To:     Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR: dirty, nasty ditty from elementary school days
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

i heard this one from my younger sister. does anyone know the other verses?

when you're slidin' into first and you feel a sudden burst-
        -diarrhea
...
...
when you're slidin' into home and your pants are full of foam-
        -diarrhea

On Wed, 9 Feb 1994, Angel Dey wrote:

> When you're sittin' in your seat and you feel sumpthin' neat -
>        -Diarrhea
> When you're walkin' down the hall and you feel sumpthin' fall -
>        -Diarrhea
> When you're sittin' in the school [on a stool] and you feel sumpthin' cool -
>        -Diarrhea
> It feels kinda funny but it's really hot and runny -
>        -Diarrhea
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:18:49 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Jacobsen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Blonde Story (sexual, of course)

     Another great story from a friend....

                                                  Enjoy,
                                                   Bret


                       A Story Of A Blonde And Her...

     There's this blonde who is very horny.  She goes to the doctor and
says "Doctor, you have got to help me.  All I can think about is sex.
And no man can satisfy me."  The doctor says to wait.  He goes into the
back room and returns with a box.  "We have this new product in.  "It's
called the magic dildo.  It will satisfy you."  He pulls it out and it
looks like a little piece of chalk.
     "What is that pathetic little toy going to do for me?"
     "Watch.  You hold it in you hand.  Say "magic dildo" and tell it
what to fuck."  The doctor then holds up the dildo and says "Magic dildo,
the wall."  The dildo then swells to 15 inches long, and the size of a
sausage.  It flies out of his hand and crashes into the wall.  It then
proceedes to bang on the wall extremely violently.  The wall actually
gets a hole in it.
     "I'll take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she says.
     While driving home, the blonde once again starts to get that
feeling.  So she holds the dildo up and says "Magic dildo, my pussy."
The didlo swells and flies.
     She goes wild.  As she reaches orgasm after orgasm, her cars swerves
all over the road.  She ends up crashing into a police car.
     The cop jumps out of his car and is pissed.  He runs over to her as
she is trying to leave the scene.  He tears off the door of the car and
yells "What the hell is your problem you stupid blonde."
     She trys explain.  "It wasn't me officer -- it is this magic dildo."
     The cop grabs it and yells "Magic dildo............yeah right.
Magic dildo my ass."

(You can figure it out!)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:23:16 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was SMITH4_DEAN@BENTLEY
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      professions that you don't want your children to be

Here are some professions that you don't want your children to go into.

I don't think many would wnat ot be a pediatric gynacologist.  ( they like
little girls.)

What about garbage men?  the pay is lousy, but it's all you can eat.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:28:28 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dentists

when i read a posting about goofs played on doctors sometime a day or
two ago, a routine by jeff altman came to mind.

for those who don't know of him, jeff altman is a comedian who's been
around for quite a while. the guy's just nuts.

the following can be found on altman's 1989 album, _i'll flip you like a
cheese omelette_. at one point, he talks about how intimidating a trip
to the dentist can be, mostly because you're surrendering so much power
to this guy when you're in his office. so you have to take back some of
that power-- get the upper hand.


so here's four things you can try the next time at the dentist's:

1) whatever he puts in your mouth... swallow it.

2) when he removes that silly sucking thing, continue making
    the same stupid noise.

3) if he leaves the room for a second (to take an x-ray, etc.)... hide.

4) (and you gotta be a big man to do this) when he gets down very close
    to your mouth for some intricate work, KISS HIM ON THE LIPS.


18 lb. buttsteaks for everyone (hee-hi, daddy)
bryan

+------------+----------------------------------------------+-----------+
|            | Internet: [e-mail]           |? |õ_ /| ? |
| Bryan Pack |           [e-mail]                 |  |o /o õ  |
|            | Bitnet:   ugpack@ecuvm1                      |=== m ==== |
+------------+----------------------------------------------+ õ õ__/ /  |
| 407 Ringgold Towers  Greenville NC, 27858  [phone] |! õ____/ ! |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+-----------+
|     a  little  bit  of  uh - huh   &  a  whole  lot  of  oh  yeah     |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 11:17:56 -0400
Reply-To:     "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous..."
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Overheard in a local Castle function hall....

  A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his
family for generations.  He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking
resemblance to himself.  He could not believe that such a similarity could
exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild
oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk "Was your mother ever a
maid here?"

The guest replied "No, but my father used to be the gardener."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 08:12:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Disclaimer (contains sick, offensive joke)

>Jeff Rollosso Halbhuber asked for jokes about "priests, nuns or the
>Pope".   Here is a mild contribution, no rude words or such, merely
>a mild dig at the nuns, bless their souls.

Did not.  Have not.  Sorry, not me.

Obligatory joke:  I won an informal contest of sick jokes by rifling three
out without a pause.  This was the killing blow.

What is the definition of 'ecstasy'?


























Fucking a pregnant woman and having the fetus give you head.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 08:49:11 -0800
Reply-To:     Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Tonya Harding
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Incidentally, Tonya Harding's ex's name is spelled
JEFF GILLOOLY. Anyone wishing to dispute this, email me personally.

==========================================
= BILL TOMISON                           =
==========================================
= Internet: [e-mail]   =
= Bitnet: tomis_wi@catlin[.bitnet]       =
==========================================
= To hell with the Prime Directive,      =
= let's kill something!                  =
=  - What we'd love to hear somebody on  =
=    Star Trek: The Next Generation say  =
==========================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:02:20 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Linda Poole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Polish & possibly offensive to women??

    This guy enters a bar laughing and approaches the bartender, "I've got the
funniest Polish joke to tell you."
    The bartender responds, "Well, I'm Polish, that big guy in the corner is
Polish, those two guys over there are Polish, and the three guys at the end of
the bar are Polish, do you still want to tell the joke?"
    The guy with the joke says, "OK, I'll tell it very s-l-o-w-l-y."

-------
    (may be slightly offensive to women??)

    This man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar and tells her she's the most
beautiful woman he's ever seen. She thanks him and he then offers to pay her
$5,000 just to fondle her breasts. She's offended at first, but begins to think
about how much she could use the money. She finds her husband and convinces him
that she should accept the man's offer.
    So the guy starts massaging her breasts, squeezing one, then the other -
then as massages both he begins to say, "I don't know . . . . I don't know . .
. . I don't know where I'm going to find $5,000 . . . ."

(thanks to K. Voshell of Sunnyvale, California)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:02:23 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      diarrhea

When youre climbing up the ladder and you hear something splatter...
    Diarrhea

If youre sitting on the commode and you feel something explode...
    Diarrhea

And instead of "It feels kinda funny but its really hot and runny..."
I learned it "Some people think its funny but its really black and runny...
    diarrhea"

Please note that when you sing the song youre supposed to cup your hand under
your armpit and make a farting noise with it in the sense that you say
Diarrhea (pffut pffut) diarrhea (pffut pffut) and then go to the next verse.

RICH ELKINS   SENIOR-GEOGRAPHY, MINOR-INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
346 GARRETT HALL, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY (ECU)
GREENVILLE, NC 27858   [phone]
BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1   INTERNET: [e-mail]
VAX: [e-mail]  (FOR INTERACTIVE STUFF)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:10:30 CST
Reply-To:     MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     To: Adan Rodriguez
              <[e-mail]>
Comments:     cc: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: QA1BR546@UA1VM
Comments:     Originally-From: MILTON C <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to lawyer
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
    ... The best source of Humor about Lawyers comes from the lawyers
themselves.Just ask any for a story....

Speaking of funny, true legal stories, who can filling in the details about a
football coach during the 1930's at the University of Georgia?  The guy had
a few winning years, which pleased the Georgia legislature so much that they
awarded him a lifetime contract as coach.  Sure enough, no sooner had he
received the contract but that he started losing games.  The legislature
wanted him fired, but he presented them with his lifetime contract.  After
pondering the problem, the Georgia legislature finally passed a decision to
declare him legally dead.  He was then promptly replaced.

                                      --Ed Johnson
                                        University of Alabama
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 13:35:58 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Peter Sardella <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Life  3.J     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 24 Oct
              88

> [e-mail] quotes:
>
>       When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
>       easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
>       Ranger have handled this?"


It's good advice in that it forces one to step back from his "problem" and
look again with a new perspective.  It should, however, be noted that the
Lone Ranger's solutions, in many cases, involved delegation to Tonto.

________________________________________________________________________

D. Peter Sardella                       DoD#0973
Valley Forge, PA USA                    [e-mail]
________________________________________________________________________

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 15:55:42 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lawyer and computer jokes

        on the topic of lawyers having the best lawyer jokes:

        So I'm down in the IG's (INspector General's) office and am explaining
how we found evidence of fraud in a computer list and he tells me, "How many
lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?"
        My answer was, "How many can you afford?"
        He chuckled, but said instead, "It depends on how thin you want to
slice them.:

--------------------------------------------
        Funniest, "can't install" joke came from a guy at a neighboring office
who complained that he couldn't install a new program.  When the repair -
trouble shooting guy arrives, says, "See, I can't get it to read the disk
even after I trimmed it down enough to fit in the little door."  He'd of course,
taken a 5 1/4 disk and trimmed it to 3 1/2 with scisors.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 15:56:48 -0500
Reply-To:     "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dirty joke

 Cinderella decided that she wanted to go to the huge halloween ball.
Her evil mother said that she could not go unless she had contraception.
Cinderella replied that she did not have any, so her evil-mom said that
she would turn a pumpkin into a diaphram, but if she was not back home by
midnight it would turn into a pumpkin again.  Cinderella agreed and off
she went.  Well midnight rolls around and Cinderella is not home yet her
mom starts to worry a little bit, two rolls around then three...finnally
around three-thirty Cinderella comes home with a smile from ear to ear.
Her mom yells 'Cinderella, Where have you been!!!!"  Cinderella replies
"Mom I met this great guy"
Her mom asks who it was and ofcourse Cinderella replies

|
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His name is Peter Peter!!!!


Hope you liked it...It has been going aroun London for a few weeks now,
-Nigel
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 13:58:06 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/9/94

---> February 9, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight
=============================================

10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater
 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs
 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time
 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool
 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line
 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book
 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK
 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session
    (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave
    playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races)
 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe
 1. Hell has just frozen over

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 16:27:45 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Penis Pity <little girl humor; adult abuse>

From the newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Submitted by [e-mail] (Rachel Scherr)

A friend of mine was taking psychology at SF State College.  The prof & class
were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were discussing the reams
of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon.  The prof told the students
of the experience of a friend of hers:  Friend (male) was taking a shower in
the presence of his three-year-old daughter.  The daughter looked at her dad
and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."  The father said, "Yes, I do." The kid
said, "I don't have a penis."  Dad said, "Yes, that's right."  Kid said "Mommy
doesn't have a penis."  Again, Dad confirmed.  The daughter frowned, and then
looked up at her dad reassuringly and said, "Well Daddy, I don't think you
should worry, because yours is very small."  The psych prof thought this was
an excellent case for the existence of "Penis Pity."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 16:42:49 EST
Reply-To:     Kiernan John CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kiernan John CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Humor: Controlling your mail & some engagement

>>From x63159f2 Wed Feb  9 21:56 EST 1994
>>From x63159f2 Wed Feb  9 21:56:39 1994
>Return-Path: <x63159f2>
>Received:  by usma8 (5.59/25-eef)
>     id AA05686; Wed, 9 Feb 94 21:56:39 EST
>Message-Id: <9402100256.AA05686@usma8>
>Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 21:56:38 EST
>From: x63159f2 (Naples Gregory CDT)
>To: 2, 3f2, 570f2, x62400f2, x62539f2, x62541f2, x62563f2, x62614f2, x62630f2,
>        x62691f2, x62775f2
>Subject: Free Money
>
>Original-Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 19:55:46 EST
>Original-From: x63570f2 (Winer Ian CDT)
>
>Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 23:38:01 EST
>Original-From: [e-mail] (Landers Michael CDT)
>
>Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 19:04:58 EST
>Original-From: x46722e4@usma16 (Esh Todd CDT)
>
>Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 14:13:28 EST
>Original-From: [e-mail] (Williams Theodore CDT)
>
>Original-Date: Tue, 08 Feb 94 07:33:54 EST
>Original-From: x47347i3@usma14 (Petrucelli Jonath CDT)
>
>                      "WITH LOVE ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"
>
>This paper was sent to you for good luck.  The original is in New England.  It
>has been around the world nine times.  The luck has been sent to you.You will
>receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided in turn
>yoiu send it.  This is no joke.  You will receive good luck in the mail.  Send
>no money as faith has no price.  Do not keep this letter.  It must leave your
>hands in 96 hours.
>     An R.A.F. officer received $470,000.  Joe Elliot received
>$40,000,000 and lost it because he broke the chain.  While in the Phillipines,
>George Welch lost his wife 31 days after receiving the letter.  He failed to
>circulate the letter.  However, before her death he received $7,775,000.
>     Please send 20 copies and see what happens in 4 days.  The chain comes
>from Vwnwzuela and was written by Saul Anthonyde Grou, a missionary from S.
>America.  Since the copy must tour the world, you must take 20 copies and give
>them to friends and associates.  After a few days you will get a surprise, eve
n
>if you are not superstitious.  Do note the following-- Constantine Diaz
>received the chain in 1958.  He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and
>send them.  A few days later he won the lottery of two million dollars.  Carlo
>Daddit, an office employee, received the letter, and forgot it had to leave hi
s
>hands within 96 hours.  He lost his job.  Later after finding the letter again
,
>he mailed twenty copies.  A few days laterhe found a better job.  David
>Fairchild received the letter and not believing threw the letter away.  Nine
>days latter he died.  In 1987 the letter was received by a woman in California
>.
>It was faded and barely readable.  She promised herself she would retype the
>letter and send it on, but she put it aside to send later.  She was plagued by
>various problems, including expensive car repairs.  The letter did not leave
>her hands in 96 hours.  She finally typed the letters as promised and got a ne
w
>car.  Remember, send no money.  Do not ignore this.  It works.
>
>St. Jude
>
>
>Sorry guys.  I had to send this on.  GOOD LUCK.
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 16:00:40 CDT
Reply-To:     NJS <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         NJS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      JUST CURIOUS

Hi everyone,

Could some knowledgeable soul tell me - why blondes are considered to be sooooo
stupid?

Thanks
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:04:47 EDT
Reply-To:     "Dale A. Peters" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dale A. Peters" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      politics and sex (offensive)

A recent evening at the White House, as Bill and Hillary get ready
for bed...

Bill: You've done a tremendous job with health care reform, and I
think the American people are ready for you take a position with even
more responsibility.  I want you to be our representative in Bosnia.

Hillary:  Oh Bill, please don't send me to Bosnia.  I'll do anything to
not go to Bosnia.

Bill:  Anything, huh... Since you put it that way, I haven't had a blow
job since before we were married.

Hillary:  Not a blow job, Bill.  Can't you pick something else?

Bill:  Sorry, it's either Bosnia or a blow job.

Hillary: (reluctantly)  Well, ok.  Get in bed.

      (the act commences)

Hillary:  This tastes like shit!! What have you been doing!?!

Bill:  Al didn't want to go to Bosnia either.
*********************************
Dale Peters
DARS Programming Consultant
Miami University
137 Hoyt Hall
Oxford, OH 45056
[phone]

Bitnet: DAPETERS@MIAMIU
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:28:16 18000
Reply-To:     Stacy Warnick <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Stacy Warnick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bobbit!

"Bobbit?  Hell, she cut the whole damn thing off!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:30:20 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Stacey Crosby <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Momma Jokes (Do not take Personally)

Your momma is so fat, that she step on a dime and made 10 pennies.

Your momma is so poor, a picture of her face were on food stamps.

Your momma is so dumb, she thought high school was a tall building.

Your momma is so old, she knew Burger King when he was a Prince.

Your momma is so fat, she uses a VCR for a beeper.

Your momma wears her panty hose so tight, when she farts a bubble runs down her
leg.

Your momma hair is so short, she rolls it up with rice.

Your momma has hair under her arms so long, I thought she had Buckwheat in the
head lock.

Your momma's teeth are so yellow, she can spit butter.

Your momma wears a wig with a chin strap.

Peace,

Stacey :) Cause I'mma bad dog!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:54:06 EST
Reply-To:     Whitmark Christop CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Whitmark Christop CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old and corny.

This is an old one, but I still like it and hadn't seen it posted yet.

There is this lady that goes into the doctor because her and her husband just
have not been having good sex lately.  The doctor gives her a bottle of pills
and says to give her husband one a day.
     Well, not wanting him to know what she had done, she hid the pill in his
food that night at dinner.  The sex that night was great.  Next day, she put a
few more pills in his dinner.  That night, the sex just blew her mind.  So, she
just can't stand is anymore, she takes the whole bottle, ginds up all the pills
and puts it in his dinner.
     A few days later her son walks into the doctor's office and asks the
doctor if she gave his Mom any pills for his Dad.  The doctor said that she
had, and asked if their was anything wrong.  Well, the boy said yes, "My
Mommy's dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and my Dad is walking
around the house going 'Here kitty, kitty.'"


Take it easy,

Chris

Go Army Sailing!                             Steep, Deep, Black Diamond Dreams
Catch the Breeze!                                         Think Snow!
         ***I have no more sick days, so I am calling in dead***
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:35:00 EST
Reply-To:     Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      This Joke Is Offensive If You Like President Bill Clinton
              (obscene)

        At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking
place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.

        A Jewish doctor said that, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we could take a kidney out of one person adn put it in another and have him
looking for work in 6 weeks."

        A German doctor said, "That's nothing.  In Germany they could take a
lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work
in 4 weeks."

        A Russian doctor said that, "In my country, medicine is so advanced
they can take half a heart from one person, put it in another person and have
them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

        An American doctor, not to be outdone said, "We can take an asshole
out of Little Rock, put him in the White House and half the nation will be
looking for work the next day."

===============================================================================

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.


                                                -Aaron Newton  *8-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:42:47 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      prison humor

in a prison newsletter, a genlteman tells of his incarcaration...


          "and there i was making big money...about a quarter of an inch too
                 big..."

didja hear about the inmate who set a pr (personal record) in the 200 meter
     dash, the mile, and the five mile runs???...he was captured and brought
     back each time...



***
liz bolyard
bolyar_e@denison
***
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:50:26 -0500
Reply-To:     "William J. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William J. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Very Clean

This is my first posting,  Don't judge me by the quality (or lack of) in
this joke I'm saving the better ones for later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a small village of Tridds along a river.  On the other side of the
river  there is a forest with many berries and fruit trees  that the Tridds
could use as food.  Their only problem is the mean troll that lives under
the bridge that crosses the river.  Every time a Tridd tries to cross the
bridge,  the troll runs up and kicks them off.  The Tridds give up,  until,
one day when a Rabbi stroled through the village. The Tridds explained
their problem to the Rabbi and asked him if he could help.  He said he
would see what he could do.  So the Rabbi crossed the bridge and nothing
happened,  he crossed back, and again nothing happened.  he crossed back
and forth a few more times stomping on the bridge and still nothing
happened.  He started to wonder if there was a troll under the bridge.  he
walked down there and sure enough,  there he was.  So he asked the Troll,
"Why do you kick the Tridd's off the bridge.   and not me?"  So the troll
replied,"Silly Rabbi,  kicks are for Tridd's".


********************************************************************************

Bill Gray  ([e-mail])
From the Great U.P.  (The Upper Peninsula of Michigan)
Michigan Technological University.
Go Huskies!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:16:38 -40962758
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: snaps-offensive?
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Rich Gautier" at
              Feb 10, 94 07:08:09 am

>
> Your momma's so fat that:
>
>    they have to grease the doorways in her house....
>    she can hide all her kids inside her fat folds....
>    she killed three bulls in the run at Barcelona.....
>    they don't let her on the Verazano Bridge because of the weight limit.
>
>
> Any more?
>

Your momma's so fat:

    When she jumps up in the air, she gets stuck...
    LA wants to know where she was last month...
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 19:43:26 -0500
Reply-To:     "Travis L. Reno" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Travis L. Reno" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Traveling Salesman (kinda)   Offensive to prudes

A jew, a hindu and a lawer were all traveling together (who knows why,
maybe they were going to a rock concert)  anyway it was getting dark and
they needed to find a place to stay.  Fortunately, they came across a
farm house.  The farmer, being the friendly country type, told them that
they were welcome to spend the night but he had room for only two in the
house, the third would have to spend the night in the barn.  The jew
volunteered to sleep in the barn and went out to make himself a bed while
the other two went inside.  After a few minutes, there was a knock at the
door.  It was the jew.  He explained that he was not aware that there was
a pig in the barn and that there was no way he could sleep out there.
The hindu decided that he would sleep in the barn and made his way out.
Of course, a couple of minutes later, there was another knock at the
door.  It was the hindu.  He went into a long speech about the cow in the
barn and what a sin it would be if he slept under the same roof as the
cow.  Finally, the lawyer conceded that he would have to sleep in the
barn and he started out in that direction.  A couple of minutes later,
there was yet another knock at the door.  It was the cow and the pig.

============================================================================
  __/__/__/__/__/   __/          __/__/__/
      __/         __/          __/    __/     [e-mail]
     __/         __/          __/__/__/       Towson Statu University
    __/         __/          __/  __/         Towson Maryland
   __/         __/__/__/    __/    __/
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:23:59 -0600
Reply-To:     Davis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive nun joke and cute priest joke

First, the possibly offensive nun joke:

Two nuns were walking through the park at night when two men jumped out of
the bushes and started having their way with the nuns.  The first nun calmly
folded her hands on her chest and said, "Forgive them, Father, for they know
not what they do."  To this the second nun replied, "Speak for yourself--mine
knows exactly what HE'S doing!"


Now the priest joke:

Q: Why did the priest wear shorts when he took a shower?










A: He didn't like to look down upon the 'unemployed'  ;)


*<:-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:08:33 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Brian J. Gill" <[e-mail]>
In-Reply-To:  replybit --

subject: Micheal Jackson

Why did Micheal Jackson get kicked out of the boyscouts??



He was doing over a pac a day!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 23:04:14 EST
Reply-To:     Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>

     Another Michael Jackson Joke......


          What does K-mart and Michael Jackson have in common?



















          Boys pants half off!


Don't you love the irony of it all?

     Kimberly D. Nash
     Cadet CPL Class of 96
     United States Military Academy

     Go Army Track and Field
          Go Army Throwers!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 22:38:30 -0600
Reply-To:     Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      True Stupid Computer User Story

A friend of mine (Bruce) in Dallas runs a PC shop.  He said that he had a
call from a lady that complained that she could read or write to any of
her 5 1/4 floppys.

Bruce went to the site to investigate.  He could find nothing wrong with the
drives, but he did notice how well the labeling on the floppy was.

It turns out the lady used her typewriter to type labels (after applying them
to the floppies.

****************************************************************************
* Victor J. McCoy       internet address: [e-mail]     *
*                                         (134.164.156.14)                 *
* "The Buck Stops Here!" - Harry Truman                                    *
* "The Buck Never Got Here!" - Bill Clinton                                *
* "I'm not a doctor, but I play one in D.C." - Hillary Clinton             *
* "We must make safer weapons; we must make safer bullets" - Joyclyn Elders*
* "Never, ever trust a draft dodger!" - Rush Limbaugh                      *
****************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:08:42 -0800
Reply-To:     "J.j." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "J.j." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Prepare three envelopes..."

I hate to request something like this, but could someone send me the joke
about a desk blotter, three envelopes, and "Prepare three envelopes..."?
Is this list archived anywhere?  I could get it that way.


               The Priest's Psychiatrist

        A priest has been seeing a shrink regularly for
a while, and one day the doctor says, "You know what
your problem is?  You should just let go one day.  Take
off your collar, go out, get a big steak, have a couple
of drinks.  I'm not suggesting doing anything a priest
shouldn't do, but just go have a good time."

        So the priest puts on a regular suit, takes a
bus to a different town, where no-one will know him,
grabs a cab and asks the driver to take him to
someplace hot.  The cabbie drops him at a topless bar,
which the cabbie says has the best women in town.

        The priest is real nervous, but he decides to
go in, and he grabs a table. A few minutes later, a
very virtued topless waitress walks over and says, "Can
I get you anything, Father?"

The priest immediately reaches for his collar, and
realizes that he didn't forget; he's wearing a regular
suit and tie.

He says to the waitress, "How did you know I was a
priest?"

She says, "Take a good look, Father.  It's me.  Sister
Theresa. We go to the same psychiatrist."
--
[e-mail] |   San Diego, CA
Don't let school get in the way of your education.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 00:09:12 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      i have WAY too much free time...

you know, after posting that "peanuts" thing, i started thinking about
some of the other cartoon characters i was exposed to growing up...

no wonder we had to spend the 80's enduring nancy reagan's "just say no"
inanity... we 20-somethings grew up watching a cartoon show featuring
heavy duty drug users/dealers as the main characters and heroes. i am
referring to none other than "scooby-doo, where are you?"

it has always been there, right in front of our eyes, yet we never saw
it. but think about it... a group of college age kids in the heart of
the 70's, driving around endlessly in a psychedelic van, with no
discernable source of income. just look at freddie and daphne-- always
impeccably dressed. where did they get their money? what were these kids
REALLY up to???

just one look at shaggy tells the tale... i mean, he's constantly
paranoid, is always seeing ghosts, his freakin' DOG talks to him all the
time, and he's got a chronic case of the munchies. the definitive pot
head.

my guess is that braniac velma is the gang's female owsley.

70's saturday morning television is a veritable minefield of bizarre and
humorous insights into pop psychology. the productions of sid & marty
kroft alone could be the basis of a half dozen dissertations.
h.r.puff'n'stuff? think about it: our hero, a young boy on the edge of
puberty, becomes whisked to a magic, but confusing, land where an evil
female character, "witchy-poo", is constantly trying to take possesion
of our hero's "magic flute." the mind reels...

i do have a question i wonder if anyone knows the answer to: what was
shaggy's real name? i remember hearing it a couple of times, but i've
forgotten it. if someone can remind me (i'll remeber that it's the right
one if i hear it), i'll send them something special through e-mail. (and
i'm NOT talking about the name "Casey Kasem", the multi-talented animal
hugger who has been the voice of shaggy)

and if anyone is interested, the april '93 issue of _film threat_
magazine (the best film/entertainment mag out there) had a whole bunch
of freudian analyses of sid & marty kroft shows. when i get my hands
back on my copy, i can post some of them-- they're hysterical!


"and i'd've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't've been for those
     meddling kids...."
          bryan :)

+------------+----------------------------------------------+-----------+
|            | Internet: [e-mail]           |? |*_ /| ? |
| Bryan Pack |           [e-mail]                 |  |o /o *  |
|            | Bitnet:   ugpack@ecuvm1                      |=== m ==== |
+------------+----------------------------------------------+ * *__/ /  |
| 407 Ringgold Towers  Greenville NC, 27858  [phone] |! *____/ ! |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+-----------+
|     a  little  bit  of  uh - huh   &  a  whole  lot  of  oh  yeah     |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:35:07 CST
Reply-To:     "Sami A. Yousif" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sami A. Yousif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bathroom Poem (PG-13)

Seen posted on a bathroom stall:

I enjoy a dump just as much as you
But I know how to flush and so should you
So pull that little handle when you've dropped your load
And everybody else can use this kamode
+---------------------------------------------+
|Sami A. Yousif                               |
|West Texas A&M University                    |
|Canyon, TX 79016, USA                        |
:+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++:
|Internet: [e-mail]     |
+---------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:32:09 CST
Reply-To:     "Sami A. Yousif" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sami A. Yousif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ten thing never to be heard in school caf

The following was posted on the cafeteria door:


    TOP TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR IN THE CAF


    10. I love this place.
     9. If you're not going to eat that, I will.
     8. Just like mom used to make.
     7. That [ugly caf worker] chick is kind of cute.
     6. I believe I'll have some more lasagna.
     5. My compliments to the chef.
     4. Did you see how green the lettuce was?
     3. How much of a tip should I leave?
     2. Damn! I'm out of meals
     1. Pork fritters, Allright!!



+---------------------------------------------+
|Sami A. Yousif                               |
|West Texas A&M University                    |
|Canyon, TX 79016, USA                        |
:+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++:
|Internet: [e-mail]     |
+---------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:04:00 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         SPEED THE MAN - AMIT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Traveling Saleman (some language)

Here's one I heard about 12 or so years ago (when I was only 8.  It's
a wonder I still remember it.)

A travelling salesman was passing through a small village with no
inns or resthouses when it started to pour very badly.  He went to
the nearest house and asked for shelter for the night.  The owner of
the house agreed to let him stay.  There was only one problem.  He
told the salesman that there were 2 rooms in the house.  One was used
by him and his wife and his baby slept in the other.  He also offered
the salesman that he could sleep with his baby.  The salesman
thinking that the baby would make too much noise and be nothing more
than a pain in the ass told the owner that he'd just sleep on the
cold floor of the front porch.

Next morning, when the saleman awoke, he saw the prettiest young lass
standing next to him.  He asked her who she was.  "I'm my Daddy's
baby", she replied and asked him, "Who are you ?"


"I'm a STUPID ASSHOLE !!", replied the salesman.


No public flames please.  This one was told to me when I was 8 and I
thought it was pretty funny at that age (I still do but that's
besides the point !!!).

- I think sex is better than logic but I can't prove it

******************************
Amit Singhal
W.T.Box 2237
Canyon, TX 79016
[phone]
[e-mail]
******************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:51:28 MET
Reply-To:     Miroslav Otrisal <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Miroslav Otrisal <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SOS

Obligatory joke

Inscription in a Czech pub.
"We don't serve alcohol to young people under 18 years. Our young
people are very clever, they wiil serve themselves."




-----------------------------------------------------------------
                              SOS
I cleaned some your e-mail adresses  by mistake.
Please, writte me again.
I'm very sorry.

                                        Mirek Otrisal
                                        [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 06:30:00 -05
Reply-To:     Jim Beasley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Beasley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gomer & sally (adult)

gomer and sally were in the back seat on their first date.

gomer ask. sally, can i kiss you ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

after a while gomer ask, sally can i feel your breast ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

then gomer ask sally, can i put my finger in your belly button ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

then sally says oh oh no! gomer thats not my belly button.

and gomer says thats not my finger either so...

suprise!  suprise!!  suprise!!!

best wishes and a speedy recovery to jim nabors.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 07:19:51 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Dangers of safe driving course <parody>

NOTE: Rule 5 of this list prohibits REQUESTS. This rule (as well as rules
1, 6 & 7) is designed to protect listmembers from excessive traffic. If
you want to request humor of a particular kind, there is a way to do it--
post a substantial example of the kind of humor and people will post
similar material. Witness the recent example of diarrhea humor. The
person who posted the original diarrhea diddies didn't ask for more, but
at least three other members added some more amusing examples.

Duplications are a part of a humor sharing list, however, please do not
re-copy material from HUMOR to HUMOR. Please only submit substantial
examples of humor to HUMOR. Flip comments, witty retorts go to the
original senders, not to HUMOR. ASCII artwork is not appropriate to
this list; this list is for verbal humor. Also, this is a list, not a
library or gopher file for collections--if you can't post it in small
enjoyable sizes (usually under 50 lines), it probably isn't appropriate
for HUMOR. There are at least ten regular contributors who have been
providing us with some excellent humor by doing just that (witness
HCates' contribution of humor from 7 years ago, and more recently the
things not to do at your thesis defense). Read and obey the rules if
you are going to be a contributior. Everyone should enjoy HUMOR.
Best wishes, Bill

And now the parody:

The number one killer of young Americans is the automobile.
However, the Secular Humanists dominating our schools refuse
to acknowledge that the only safe driving is abtinence from
driving.  Instead, they advocate courses in "Driver Education",
in which teenagers are taught "Safe Driving", and no
attention is given to traditional values.  They are even
taught the use of "Seat Belts" (and some classes even give
explicit demonstrations of the proper method of applying these
belts!) with, at best, a passing mention that the protection
provided by these belts is only partial.  Clearly, this sends
a mixed message to our young people: it appears to condone
driving, and the more inquisitive will surely feel encouraged
to experiment with driving.

Stop the wanton slaughter!  Contact your school board member
and insist that driving be taught in the family, in a climate
where the moral implications are not overlooked; not in the
schools where hedonistic instructors teach driving as a
mere form of pleasure.

Written by Cindy Davies  [e-mail]

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
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to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:21:48 CST
Reply-To:     Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: JUST CURIOUS

=>From @UGA.CC.UGA.EDU:[e-mail] Thu Feb 10 17:16:49 1994
=>
=>Hi everyone,
=>
=>Could some knowledgeable soul tell me - why blondes are considered to be sooooo
=>stupid?
=>
=>Thanks
=>

(high pitched squeaky voice, and head rolling from side-to-side)
"I dunnooooo"





sorry, it's time to go home
Bret
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:32:00 EST
Reply-To:     Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Good Blonde Jokes (obscene)

Here goes!!!!!

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back!

Q: How do you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is lipstick on your cucumbers!

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor!


   This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said
to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

================================================================================

                                                        Aaron Newton *8-)
                                                        Alfred State College
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:44:43 EST
Reply-To:     Paul J Boenitz 230-4083 6509 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul J Boenitz 230-4083 6509 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Animal Humor

Here's a neat word association joke I heard the other day
Ask your victim to associate a bird to the word:

1. Patriotism ------>  Bald Eagle
2. Wisdom ---------->  Owl
3. Love ------------>  Dove
4. True Love ------->  Swallow
___________________________________________________________
Whats the difference between meat and fish?






If you beat your fish it dies...........
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:05:17 -0400
Reply-To:     "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous..."
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Vet goes to the Doctors Office.....

        A veteranarian wasn't feeling well, and had to visit the doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

        "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

        The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: "there you are. Of course,
if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:04:20 EST
Reply-To:     CLARISSA FINCO <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CLARISSA FINCO <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pig (may bother anminal rights activitists

As the tractor salesman drove up to the farmer's house, he noticed a
pig with a wooden leg running around the yard.  Naturally he was
curious.  When the farmer came to the door, he asked about the pig.
The farmer told him that it was most wonderful pig in the whole world
and continued,

"Four weeeks ago I was plowing in the field when the tractor tipped
over pinning me under it.  I would have died except for the pig.  He
saw what happened, ran to the barn, and squealed until my sons came
out, saw me in the field and rescued me."


"Then two weeks ago the house caught on fire while my wife was
upstairs sleeping.  Once again the pig saw what was going on.  He ran
to the front door and pounded on it with his snout until my wife
work up and was able to put out the fire."

"Finally just yesterday my daughter was skating on the pond when she
broke through the thin ice and fell in.  She would have drowned if the
pig hadn't jumped in the water and pulled her to safety."

The salesman said, "That's all very interesting but it doesn't explain the



wooden leg."

"Well," said the famer.  "With a pig that good, you don't think we want to eat
it all at one time!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:47:20 -0500
Reply-To:     Pnina Flemembaum <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pnina Flemembaum <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Reasons why beer is better than cucumbers
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
{}                  Pnina Flemembaum (soon to be Bonge)                    {}
{}    Lover of Tommy, Mother of Mila (race kitty) the hypercat and         {}
{}                      Guardian of Legomen worldwide                      {}
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox


On Thu, 3 Feb 1994, Scott McKenzie wrote:

> We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
> why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had
 I have not been made privy to these pearls of wisdom.  Would someone be
so kind as to send me a few?

Sig. on top (dyslexic computer)
send mail to [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:46:00 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         /Susan Minas| <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE TO LESBIANS

A YOUNG LADY GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR A PHYSICAL. AS HE'S EXAMINING
HER HE NOTICES A LETTER 'I' HAS BEEN RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.  HE ASKS
HER HOW SHE DID THAT.  THE GIRL IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BUT FINALLY
EXPLAINS THAT HER BOYFRIEND PLAYS BASEBALL FOR U OF I AND SHE LIKES
HUM TO WEAR HIS LETTER SWEATER WHEN THEY MAKE LOVE.
A FEW DAYS LATER ANOTHER YOUNG LADY COMES TO THE DOCTOR FOR A
PHYSICAL.  THE DOCTOR NOTICES A LETTER 'P' RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.
WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN, THE YOUNG LADY TELLS HIM THAT HER BOYFRIEND
PLAYS BASEBALL FOR PURDUE AND SHE LIKES HIM TO WEAR HIS LETTER
SWEATER WHEN THEY MAKE LOVE.
A WEEK OR SO LATER A THIRD YOUNG LADY COMES TO THE DOCTOR FOR HER
PHYSICAL.  THIS PATIENT HAS A LETTER 'M' RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.
THE DOCTOR LAUGHS AND SAYS "I BET YOUR BOYFRIEND GOES TO MICHIGAN
AND YOU LIKE HOM TO WEAR HIS LETTER SWEATER WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE."
SHE REPLIES " ACTUALLY IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND WHO GOES TO WISCONSIN."


WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN IN ALASKA?



A KLONDYKE
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:58:26 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: Exorcist

Date: 11 Feb 94 09:54:18 UTC
From:  <PTYLER   AT TULSAJC>
To:    <HUMOR    AT UGA>
Subject: Uncl: Exorcist

Sorry if this has been posted already!


What happens to you if you don't pay your Exorcist?



scroll down








You get repossessed!  *laugh*

Pamela G. Tyler, Secretary             [phone]
Tulsa Junior College                   Fax: [phone]
3727 E. Apache, Room 1452              Student Health Services
Tulsa, Oklahoma  74115-3151            ptyler@tulsajc
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:13:12 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: Your Mama's So.....

Date: 11 Feb 94 10:09:20 UTC
From:  <PTYLER   AT TULSAJC>
To:    <HUMOR    AT UGA>
Subject: Uncl: Your Mama's So.....

Your mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and
squeezed a booger  out of George Washington's nose!!


*how do you spell booger?*


Your mama's so short, her feet are showing on her
driver's license picture!

Your mama's so hairy, big foot was looking for her!

Your mama's so ugly, they dipped her face in dough
and mad animal cookies!

Pamela G. Tyler, Secretary             [phone]
Tulsa Junior College                   Fax: [phone]
3727 E. Apache, Room 1452              Student Health Services
Tulsa, Oklahoma  74115-3151            ptyler@tulsajc
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 08:15:40 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "John `Bullwinkle' Wenker" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Equal time demanded (offensive to women/sexually suggestive).

I tried to post this a few days ago.  If at first you don't succeed...

Recently, Victoria L. Hill posted an item on why beer was better than
men. Since I've only been a HUMOR subscriber for a couple days I don't
know if this was in retort to another posting or not.  Assuming it wasn't,
here is the original version of the item, as taken from a poster in a
local rugby shop.  Please forgive me if you've already seen this.

"Why A Beer Is Sometimes Better Than A Woman"
   You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
   The only time a beer talks back is when you burp.
   You can enjoy a beer all month long.
   A beer is never late.
   Beer stains wash out.
   Your beer will wait patiently for you in the car while you play rugby.
   Beers don't get yeast infections.
   A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
   You'll always get head from a beer.
   You can always pick up a beer in a bar.
   Beer labels come off without a fight.
   A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer breath.
   A beer always goes down easy.
   You know you are the first one to pop a beer.
   A beer is always wet.
   You can share a beer with your friends.
   You can have a beer just about anywhere, anytime.
   You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
   When your beer goes flat, you can toss it.
   Beer doesn't demand equality.
   A beer doesn't care when you come.
   A frigid beer is a good beer.
   You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
   A beer never has a headache.

And I would also offer the following as additional reasons why a beer is
sometimes (?) better than a woman:

   A beer doesn't make you take out the garbage.
   A beer doesn't nag.
   A beer saves a trip to the free clinic.
   A beer doesn't play mind games.
   You can dump a beer, but it'll never dump you.
   Beers don't use your charge cards.
   When you need it real bad, you can get a beer for under $1.

                Normal signature omitted due to space considerations,
                John
                e-mail: [e-mail]
                        [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:24:13 -0500
Reply-To:     Scott <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Scott <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly suggestive joke + blonde joke

  A psychology major was asking Canadian women who they would most like to be.
The first woman said that she "would like to be Kim Campbell!" (ex-Prime
Minister of Canada). "Why?" "Because she had commanded power and respect!". The
second woman said that she "would like to be Anne Murray!" (Canadian singer).
"Why?" "Because she had talent and fame!". The third woman (of Italian descent)
said she "would like to be Alberta Pippolini!". "Who?" the psychology major
asked. "Alberta Pippolini!" the woman repeated. Well, the psychology major
didn't recognize the name, but he continued anyway. "Why?" The woman showed him
a newspaper article. The title read: "100 Men Required to Lay Alberta Pipeline".
(Hint for the slow witted: pronounce it like an Italian would)

  This is an old joke, sorry if you've seen it before:
Q: What do you do if a dumb blonde throws a grenade at you?
                      |
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                     \|/





A: Pull out the pin out and throw it back at her!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 08:25:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unix error messages

[Forwards lining up for Letterman's "Stupid Unix Tricks"]

         These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in
        the following messages at a UNIX command prompt.


% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].



% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make:  Don't know how to make love.  Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

% man sex
No manual entry for sex



Sean DeMerchant
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:46:27 -0500
Reply-To:     Dennis Gray <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dennis Gray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Momma Jokes (Do not take Personally)

Your mama so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street I asked
her what she was doing, she said "moving"!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:07:58 CST
Reply-To:     Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blonde Jokes (OFFENSIVE!)

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: If you get drunk enough, you might actually want to eat a
   bowling ball.
A: You get pissed when you throw a bowling ball into the gutter

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde an a hockey player?
A: Hockey players shower after the third period.

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

And, for my last joke ...

Q: Why aren't University of Georgia students not allowed to swim
   in the Chattahoochie river?
A: Because they leave a ring (it's a joke, Bill)

______________________________________________________________________

 Q: WHAT GOES "CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP        PATRICK CRISPEN
    *BANG* CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP?"          [e-mail]
 A: AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING!           THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
______________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:13:11 -0500
Reply-To:     Dennis Gray <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dennis Gray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: This Joke Is Offensive If You Like President Bill Clinton
              (obscene)

Send this one to Mr. Limbaugh


On Thu, 10 Feb 1994, Aaron Dean Newton wrote:

>         At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking
> place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
>
>         A Jewish doctor said that, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
> we could take a kidney out of one person adn put it in another and have him
> looking for work in 6 weeks."
>
>         A German doctor said, "That's nothing.  In Germany they could take a
> lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work
> in 4 weeks."
>
>         A Russian doctor said that, "In my country, medicine is so advanced
> they can take half a heart from one person, put it in another person and have
> them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
>
>         An American doctor, not to be outdone said, "We can take an asshole
> out of Little Rock, put him in the White House and half the nation will be
> looking for work the next day."
>
> ===============================================================================
>
> It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
> emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a
> bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
> being screwed.
>
>
>                                                 -Aaron Newton  *8-)
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:26:57 -0600
Reply-To:     rozek dani catherine <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         rozek dani catherine <[e-mail]>
Subject:      why index

This is the first post I'm making so I have no clue if it will go through.

WHY AM I ONLY GETTING AN INDEX LIST. I JUST WANT THE ACTUAL MESSAGES.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:35:44 EST
Reply-To:     Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Good Blonde Jokes (obscene)

more blond jokes

Q.  What do you call 10 blonds in a freezer?
A.  Frosted Flakes.

Q.  What is the difference between a 747 and a blond?
A.  Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q.  Why are blonds and turtles alike?
A.  They are both fucked when they are on their backs.

Q.  Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's factory?
A.  She kept throwing away all of the W's.

Q.  How do you keep a blond occupied for hours?
A.  Have her alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

Kimberly D. Nash
Cadet CPL A-1 96
United States Military Academy

Go Army Track
Go Army Throwers
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:42:00 EST
Reply-To:     "G.BOCCANFUSO" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "G.BOCCANFUSO" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick Offensive to Some HUMOR Subscribers

Some people who subscribe to humor,
Must be suffering from a brain tumor.
They unsubscribe from the list,
making everyone else quite pissed
Who have to read this non-HUMOR.

Enjoy :)

*********************************************************************

"The only people I fear are the ones that never have any doubts."
Billy Joel "River of Dreams" album

*********************************************************************
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:50:47 CST
Reply-To:     David Christian <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Cold weather observation, true story

During the past month and a half, it has been EXTREMELY cold on the northern
plains, and here in North Dakota, we've been setting records...which is no big
deal for us.  We are use to it, right?  Well, most of us are.

The other morning I was walking to class.  The temperature, without the wind
chill factored in, was somewhere around -35 degrees F (and for those of you
who do the other scale, that's about -37 Celicius).  As I walked up to the
building where my class is held, I noticed a young lady holding her tongue in
her mittened hands, and saw her spit blood into the pristine snow beside her.
I asked her what happened, to which she replied...

"Well, somehow, my tongue hit my zipper pull, like this..."  and she proceded
to stick out her tongue and press it against the zipper pull, which was metal.

(For those who don't know...when it gets below -25, dry, bare flesh with
freeze on contact with almost any metal.)
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 14:17:43 EST
Reply-To:     JOHN STONE <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN STONE <[e-mail]>
Organization: US ARMY SIMA-EAST
Subject:      nun joke / sexual

     This is appropiate for Irish (Catholic) wakes/weddings, if you know
your crowd.



     Three Nuns die in a car wreck and find themselves standing before
St.Peter at the gate.

St.Peter: You have all led exemplary lives, but before you may pass
through the gates of Heaven, you must each answer one question.

     The first Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first man on Earth?

     Nun: Thats easy, it was Adam.

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

     The second Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first woman on Earth?

     Nun: Thats easy, it was Eve.

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

     The third Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: What were Eve's first words?

     The Nun thinks and thinks, finally she gives up, looks at St.Peter
and says "Oh, thats a hard one!"

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.


Only the innocent need blush, or would they even get it?

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[e-mail]

REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE APPLICATION PROGRAMS, APPLICATION PROGRAMMING
IS FOR FEEBS WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING!
(I.E. FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WRITE COBOL)
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 13:15:06 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Steven B. Brinkmann Mu" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      null

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANSWER:  Two, but the question is, how did they get in there?

                                       From,
                                       Steven Brinkmann
                                       c525380@MIZZOU1
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:24:13 PST
Reply-To:     Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR: Black hat/condom --Translation included

>         Could you post an English translation please?
>                                                 James
>
> > In an article [e-mail] (Shakib Otaqui) said:
> >
> > An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The
> > husband wanted the funeral there, and needed to buy a black
> > hat for the funeral. He mistook the word "chapeau" and went
> > in search instead for a "capote".
> >
capote=condom

> > Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the
> > chemist's shop, where he asked for a capote noire.
> >
capote noire= black condom

> > L'homme behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire?
> > Monsieur, nous avons des capotes jaune, et capotes rouge,
> > mais...capotes noire...nous n'en avons pas. Pourquois
> > voudriez-vous une capote noire?"
> >
The man behind the counter said, "Black condom, black condom?
Sir, we have yellow condoms, and red condoms,
but...black condoms...we don't have those.  Why
would you want a black condom?"

> > The poor widower replied "C'est pour ma femme. Elle est
> > morte."
> >
The poor widower replied, "It's for my wife.  She is dead."

> > "Ah" replied the shop man, "les Anglais...quelle finesse!"
> >
>
"Ah," replied the shop man, "The English...such class!"
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Date:         Sat, 12 Feb 1994 05:45:20 +0100
Reply-To:     MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      INSPIRED BY Animal  Humor Post;MAYBE OFFENSIVE...
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Whats the difference between Like and Love?
Spit or Swallow...

[Yeah,yeah, an old one] :-)
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:48:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     <Parser> W: CC field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      penitence

Not exactly about nuns or priests, but here's something....


There was a group of Boy Scouts working on their Community Service
award, and they picked painting a local church that was a little run
down as their project. So they held a fund raiser, bought the paint, a
local store donated the brushes, and one sunny weekend they set to work.

 After painting a few hours, they were about half done, when they
realized that they would run short of paint. Well, the cans said that
the paint could be thinned with water, so they added some water,
stirred it up, and kept going.  Late in the afternoon, at the back of
the church, they again realized that the even the thinned paint wasn't
going to cover the entire church, so they added some more water.

Finally it was finished. The entire church was painted, although due to
the various amounts of thinning during the project, it looked a little
like a patchwork quilt as the new paint covered some spots a lot better
then others.

Just then, a small dark cloud covered the sun and a voice spoke out saying:







"repaint!   repaint!   and thin no more."
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Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 13:59:46 CST
Reply-To:     "Mike D. Schomburg" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Mike D. Schomburg" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      possibly offensive to Chicanos (BAD word)

Miss Prunt was called away from the second grade class momentarily, and when
she returned she found the following on the blackboard:

          T T T  1 A

          T T T  1 O

          T T T  F U C K  1 T

Naturally, Miss Prunt was quite surprised and disappointed to find nasty
words on the board, so she asked the class if they could explain what had
happened.

Little Suzy raised her hand, and said that she had written the first line,
which simply meant: